Values that Can Lead to aSuccessful Marriage
Two young people I know plan to
marry this Sunday. My wife and I have known the groom and his parents for
years. I came to know the bride when she was a college student worker. To all
appearances, they are a beautiful couple in a loving and committed
relationship. They met in college, dated, obtained master’s degrees from the
same university, and attend the same church. Theirs will be a Christian
wedding.
Weddings and Culture
Like a long flowing gown, or a
brides' aisle walk to meet her bridegroom, weddings retain a cultural trail of values.
Cultural traditions are often integrated with religious ceremony. Royal ceremonies
encourage fantasies in children’s books suggest enchantment in romantic novels
and movies for girls and women (and some men) of all ages. Religious stories illustrate blessed
relationships and joyful celebrations.
Weddings used to mark the
beginning of a new life together. They still do for some. But in free
societies, more and more couples opt for living together instead of marriage or
before a marriage ceremony. In the U.S., couples still marry -- 90% of couples marry by age 50. The
freedom from bargaining with fathers, affording dowries, setting bride prices, locating matchmakers, avoiding meddling parent-relative wedding planners, and rejecting obscure religious ceremonies can all be ditched in favor of enjoying each other before a complicated and expensive wedding leads to a risky marriage relationship. The barriers of life together have been surmounted.
Materialism has inflated the cost of
weddings. Expensive weddings may be a barrier to formally tying the knot. Even church use fees are not cheap. Marketing psychology skillfully plays on the emotions and egos of
couples and families to extract great sums of borrowed wealth to create a
special day. And the ads suggest that a lifetime of happiness will
follow if families will invest a little bit more in this or that. Lurking in
the background is the fear that some 40 to 50% or first marriages end
in divorce with even higher rates for remarried couples.
In Western cultures, bridal
magazines not only inflate the expectations of young women but they create a
new focus on the bride as queen for a day. To be sure, in church weddings, the bride always commandeered attention when all rose to watch her slow melodious walk down a flower and candle decorated aisle in the finest dress she or her family could afford. But in
recent years the bride-focus has been magnified. The wedding is all about the woman.
It is her day. “It’s all about you,” some say. See the Bridezillas
article in Newsweek for an interesting commentary on this phenomenon.
Weddings and Four Values
1. Commitment. Commitment remains a primary key to a happy
relationship. There will always be stories of whirlwind romances that last a lifetime.
But the data continue to indicate that a deep commitment is a good predictor of
lower divorce rates and fewer problems in a marriage. That deep commitment is marked by couples who were willing to sacrifice for each other. A useful quote
from researcher, Benjamin Karney explains this commitment, “It means do what it
takes to make the relationship successful.” You can find a summary of the study
reported in the Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology on the UCLA
website.
2. Maturity. Age is no guarantee of maturity. Most of us know
middle-aged folks who “never grew up.” But when it comes to long-lasting
marriages in societies where couples make the decision to marry or not marry,
the data indicate that couples who wait to wed can expect much better chances
of a successful marriage. It turns out the high divorce rate is an age-related
factor. Those who commit to a relationship at age 18 divorce at about 60% but
those who wait until age 23 have a divorce rate of 30%. These rates were
regardless of cohabitation or marriage. Kuperberg’s research was summarized in The
Atlantic.
3. Materialism. Materialism was dealt a serious blow in a study of
1,734 couples published in 2011. Couples who were low in materialistic values
had better relationships. The scientists reported: “We found that materialism
had a negative association with marital quality, even when spouses were unified
in their materialistic values (287).” See the study in the Journal
of Couple & Relationship Therapy.
4. Faith. Faith matters. Of course, for those committed to their
faith, the idea that faith could make a difference is hardly news. But from a
research perspective, it is important to note a caveat to a long-held belief
that the divorce rates are the same for religious and nonreligious persons in
the U.S. where Christianity is the dominant religion. Researcher
Shaunti Feldhahn found the divorce rates were much lower for couples who
attend church together.
Wedding Thoughts
Commitment. It just makes sense
that a deep commitment to a relationship can lead to a happier marriage. And I
suspect weddings are much happier when couples are highly committed to each
other. Other commitments are important as well. Parents, grandparents, and friends need to be committed to support the newlyweds and the usual trials that come
with building a new life, including those couples who have children. Signs of
the level of commitment should be evident before the wedding. And evidence of the capacity
to commit should be evident in other relationships as well. I suspect people
who have strong friendships, good relationships with relatives, and co-workers
know what commitment means. Loyalty is a related moral virtue.
Maturity. Maturity is a fuzzy
concept. I quip about the immature middle-aged adult. Some people never grow up. And childlike impulsivity is sometimes lifted up as a virtue. Maturity is hard to define. Age is a useful index of maturity.
Culturally we use age as a marker for driving privileges, voting, employment
and marriage. Age is not a perfect marker but it is a place to start exploring
readiness for a committed relationship.
Materialism. The research supports
the notion that an undue focus on materialism is a barrier to marriage.
Stereotypes abound when it comes to how men and women value money and
ostentatious wealth. To some degree it makes sense to value evidence that the
couple has sufficient resources to begin a new life together. Sufficient is of
course quite variable. And people do in fact argue about money and they often
have different priorities when it comes to spending their soon to be joint
income. In today’s world, materialism is not an all or nothing value. Rather,
individuals place higher or lower values on different possessions and
experiences for themselves, their spouses, and their children. Finding common ground on valuing requires a deeper commitment to the relationship compared to valuing possessions and experiences. Most people need to review their priorities from
time to time.
Faith. My knowledge of weddings
and marriages in non-Christian traditions is limited. I’ve been to a lot of
Christian weddings over the years. Wedding ceremonies have changed. But Christian
weddings continue to draw attention to the importance of the faith family standing
with the couple and their extended family. And in text, song, or prayer there are
ancient images of God committed in relationship to people. Weddings are not
just about brides or even couples. Weddings offer families and communities a
time to come together and celebrate many relationships—both earthly and divine. Ancient symbols and scriptures offer a welcome context to frame the beginning of a divinely inspired relationship.
I wish my young friends well!
Related Posts
Healthy Marriages: Marriage
under Reconstruction Part 3
Research Links on Academia.edu
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