Marriage Under Reconstruction

The 1950s imaginary sentimental love man as protein-carbs winner (bring home the bacon & breadwinner) marriage has ended for most people in most Western cultures. Some folks retain that image, or some photoshopped version of it, as the ideal traditional marriage. 

Picture the happy couple at church with King James Bibles under their arms and you get the Protestant Christian version of this traditional marriage.

Changes are a constant

The changes in marriage and romantic relationships in the last few decades are staggering for anyone alive before the 1960s. Human behavior is my business. I am a psychologist. The counseling advice offered to couples seems to reflect the mythology of the decade rather than recommendations sourced in science. I would like to say that the nature and extent of the changes in marriage and romantic relationships have never been seen before in human history. But I am no historian. Nevertheless, the changes call for some considerable effort at adaptation that was not required when the religious and social norms for marriage were stable for decades or perhaps centuries.

What’s different?

Age. The life expectancy of men and women continues to grow. For most of human history, people lived shorter lives than they do now. Many women died during childbirth. Many men died during war. Many diseases that ended lives can now be treated and some are eradicated. People live longer and for that reason, people who remain married have marriages that last longer than ever. Even those who divorce and remarry may have two marriages each one of which is longer than one marriage in olden days. There’s another age factor. People used to marry at younger ages than they do now. For several reasons related to independence, people now defer marriage until later in life. The length of marriage poses a challenge.

Discrimination. Prejudice against unmarried persons has declined-- faster in some cultures than others. Marital status is rarely a condition of employment or obtaining a loan. You don't have to marry to have respect.

Education. For millennia, only wealthy men from ruling families had a shot at a good education. Many factors changed that, including the action of women to gain social independence. Now, more women earn college degrees than do men. And more women are earning advanced degrees than ever before. Theoretically at least, education leads to better paying jobs and economic status leads to independence. And independent people don't want to live in dependent relationships.

Emotion. Love stories are entertaining but for most of recorded history, marriages were not love-based. Parents arranged marriages in most cultures. In more recent centuries, it seems children could influence their parents about potential partners. But love-- that smarmy, sentimental, transient feeling kind of love that sells summer books—that was not part of the traditional marriage contract. Love-based marriages seem to have begun 2-3 centuries ago—depends on who you read. Now, marriage is all about love. In the best sense, at least for successful marriages, mature adults have a broader understanding of love than transient feelings.

Sex. Changes in sexual relationships are hardly any surprise to contemporary readers. Even those who have only lived a few decades have witnessed changes in attitudes toward sex. The penalties for sex outside of marriage were not just forms of social disapproval. People –mostly women--suffered. If a woman became pregnant she could hardly find employment of any kind --let alone employment that would be sufficient to care for herself and her child. In many cases, men were coerced into doing the honorable thing- marry the woman they got pregnant. Great start for a happy marriage! What changed? Contraception became widely available. Sexually transmitted diseases could be prevented or treated.

People did not talk about sexual abuse even though it occurred in sacred and secular places for millennia. People often did not believe reports that women were raped and did not believe in the concept of rape within a marriage. Some still don’t. The changing views on sex is probably one of the biggest challenges to contemporary conservative views on marriage.

Gender roles. For millennia only men could hold certain social and employment positions. Women could not vote, attend college, hold certain jobs, join civic groups, get elected, get a loan, get a credit card, or wear the clothes of her choice. She was not allowed to make decisions under what conditions she would have sex or children. Laws have changed. Women have more freedom than ever in recent decades- maybe in all of history. Both men and women need to adjust to contemporary realities. Like the proverbial joke about ordering a cup of coffee, there are many options now... more socially acceptable options than ever before. Gender roles within conservative churches haven't changed much. That's a big challenge.

Divorce. As divorce laws changed, common people – not just royals—were able to get official permission to end painful relationships. At first, it was easier for the common man (i.e., not an aristocrat or powerful king) to obtain a divorce. As women approached equality with men, they too could seek divorce and escape the tragedy of abuse. Divorce rates rose and caused considerable alarm. Was it the end of marriage? Yes. Many forms of previous marriage patterns have declined in frequency. Divorce literally saved the lives of some who only saw suicide or homicide as a way out-- seriously, till death do you part. Children suffered when their married parents fought and when they divorced. This is a significant change for all- including churches.

Social role of marriage. Older forms of marriage are no longer the basic social units of western cultures. People continue to marry in the sense of obtaining a license for a relationship, which entitles them to many benefits. Couples of all ages continue to pursue a wedding blessed within their religious tradition. But marriages are no longer the factor they once were in employment, benefits, or commerce. Nor do marriages create a barrier when unmarried people wish to be parents. There are many ways for an individual or a couple to become a parent outside of marriage. An increasing range of safe and effective medical technologies improve the chances for a successful pregnancy. One child may have five parents—an egg donor, a sperm donor, a surrogate mother, and a different couple who raises the child.  Laws have changed that allow individuals and couples to adopt children regardless of marital status or sexual orientation.

Independence is not just for nations or churches anymore. In the western political revolutions, people were promised liberty. Cries for freedom and the right to pursue happiness took hold. As countries broke away from empires and as religious leaders rose up to challenge empire-like churches, so too have individuals gained independence from governments, churches, parental controls, and in terms of marriage, from each other.


The existence of dependency-based marriages is officially over.

Marriage and Religion

The primary but by no means exclusive religion in western cultures continues to be Christianity. Christianity of course comes in many forms. Church leaders have had much to say about marriage in the past two thousand years. Most if not all point to the Genesis verses to illustrate, as did Jesus, Paul, and Peter, that God brought the first couple together and blessed them with the task of having children. Since that glorious beginning many rules governed the relationships of men and women. Sometimes those old Hebrew Laws got pretty detailed about when you could and could not have sex. Christians of course point to New Testament teaching—primarily that of the Apostle Paul.

But Christians are divided in their interpretation of matters related to marriage – including matters of sex partners, sex outside of marriage, contraception, abortion, divorce, and so forth. Most churches have posted their official positions on their website. It’s good to know what a particular group believes before you enter the doors.

The official positions of churches only tell part of the story. People behave differently than what they say they believe they should do. Most churches offer forgiveness and encourage people to turn from their old ways. When it comes to conservative interpretations of scripture, more and more people are out-of-step with official teaching. Like Tevye in the classic musical, Fiddler on the Roof, many churches seem to have reached their breaking point when it comes to adapting to new ways. Not surprisingly, younger people make up a large portion of those who identify as progressive. The problem for the faithful: How much can they change before they reach the point that they no longer endorse a Christian marriage?

What does a conservative view of Christian marriage look like?

Well, here’s the feature list. You probably already know these items. Some churches will vary in their official teaching. I may have left off some items. Feel free to offer informative comments so I can correct outright mistakes.

• A marriage is between one man and one woman.

                       …Who never had sex until they got married.

• The wedding ceremony should take place in a church.

…And the ceremony includes a sermon, prayer, rings, candles, communion, and religious songs (along with various items from pop culture).

• They commit before God and man that they will be faithful to God and each other as long as they live.

• They work out their problems rather than get divorced.

• They only divorce if one spouse committed adultery.

• They only remarry after divorce if the divorce was based on adultery.

• Unofficially but felt--They want to have children. If they do not want children or do not have children, then something is wrong.

• The man is the head of the home. Mutual submission and love are encouraged but, when push comes to shove, the man rules.

Here’s a few unwritten rules related to relationships. You are part of a lower class of Christian if:

• You are an unmarried woman. Something’s wrong… unless you devoted yourself to care for starving children in Africa.

• You are a single mother.

• You are a career woman and your husband has no real job because he cares for your children.

Unless you are willing to change your ways, you are not welcome in a conservative Christian church if:

• You are unmarried and in a relationship that includes sex.

• You are living with someone as if you were married.

• You are in a same sex relationship.

God loves you so the Christians will love you too

… but God hates your lifestyle so you must change.

What can be done? This blog post is long enough so I shall continue another day.  I hope to offer some ideas for change. You probably have some too.

I welcome thoughtful and considerate comments. I welcome disagreement as long as you are polite.

For more stories on psychology and religion see https://www.facebook.com/PsychologyReligion?ref=hl

Relevant to this discussion---  AMAZON

Sources (Click on links in the text for web articles)

American Society for Reproductive Medicine (2012). Third-party reproduction. Retrieved June 11, 2013 from http://www.asrm.org/uploadedFiles/ASRM_Content/Resources/Patient _Resources/Fact_Sheets_and_Info_Booklets/thirdparty.pdf

Baptist faith and message (2013). Retrieved from http://www.sbc.net/bfm/bfm2000.asp

Bell, R. (2007). Sex God: Exploring the endless connections between sexuality and spirituality. New York: Harper One.

Coontz, S. (2005). Marriage, a history: From obedience to intimacy or how love conquered marriage. New York: Penguin Group. One of my primary sources see her web page for more http://www.stephaniecoontz.com/index.htm

Duinn, J. (2008). Quitting church: Why are the faithful fleeing and what to do about it. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books.

Friedman, R. E. & Dolansky, S. (2012). The bible now. New York: Oxford University Press.

Kluger, J. & Park, A. (2013, June 10). Frontiers of fertility. Time. 181, (22), 50-54.

Lang, J. (2013, June 12). What happens to women who are denied abortions? New York Times Magazine. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/16/magazine/study-women-denied-abortions.html?pagewanted=all&_r=2&

Manning, C. & Zuckerman, P. (2005). Sex and religion. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth.

McLeland, K. C., & Sutton, G. W. (2008). Spirituality, mental health, sexual orientation, and gender: An experimental study of attitudes and social influence. Journal of Psychology and Theology, 36, 104-113

National Association of Evangelicals. (2012). Theology of sex: Honoring God’s good gift. Author. Retrieved from http://www.nae.net/church-and-faith-partners/projects/generation-forum/theology-of-sex

Pargament. K. I. (1997). The psychology of religion and coping: Theory, research, practice. New York: Guilford.

USCCB (2009, November 17). Marriage: Love and life in the divine plan. A Pastoral Letter of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. Retrieved from http://www. usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/love-and-life/upload/pastoral-letter-marriage-love-and-life-in-the-divine-plan.pdf