ADULTERY, INSECURITY, AND MARRIAGE
Photographers offer us stunning
images of beautiful brides and handsome grooms smiling throughout pages of
wedding photos. Indeed, weddings are a time of celebration for couples of all
ages and for their families and friends who wish them well. Despite the high
divorce rate, many couples find their marriage to be a source of satisfaction
for a lifetime. The natural coupling of billions of adults and the common joy
of having and raising children together reminds us of the vital role marriage
plays in society.
ADULTERY
Previously, I wrote about factors
leading to divorce as well as elements of a strong relationship. A major cause
of ruin and pain in a marriage is infidelity. According to Pew Research, the
U.S. has one of the highest rates (84%) of all nations (median 79%) for people
saying that having an affair while married is morally unacceptable.
The estimates vary but close to
25% of men and 20% of women have sex with another person while they are married
(Russell and others, 2013). The damage of infidelity to the relationship makes sense and it
is no wonder extramarital sex is a powerful predictor of divorce.
Unfaithfulness also hurts the one
who committed adultery. Research shows that unfaithful partners suffer from
lowered self-esteem and higher rates of mental health problems. Unfaithful
partners struggle with guilt and depression.
STRONG AND WEAK RELATIONSHIPS
It is easy to see the strong
bonds of affection that launch a happy couple on their wedding day. That bond--
that attachment to each other --may be a key in understanding a part of what
happens when people become insecure in their relationships.
Attachment is usually thought of
in terms of two characteristics (Anxiety and Avoidance), which develop based on
the relationship between parents and their children. People in secure
relationships have low anxiety. They feel secure and trusting and do not worry
much. People who report an anxious attachment feel insecure in the relationship
and are likely to worry a lot and be described as “clingy.” People who feel
close to a parent or partner are low in avoidance. They want to be together. When
the attachment between married partners is secure, each person develops a mindset
that the other spouse is available to meet their needs.
TWO STUDIES
V. Michelle Russell, Levi Baker,
and James K. McNulty (2013) of Florida State reviewed some of the background on
attachment and unfaithfulness that I wrote about above. Then they reported on
the results of two studies that followed 207 couples in two U.S. states. The
researchers recruited newlyweds that did not have a prior marriage or children.
Most were Caucasian (their term) but
there were a few ethnic minorities. The age of most husbands and wives was mid-20s.
Their average income was between $30,000 and $40,000. The couples completed questionnaires
over a few years (3.5 years in one study, 4.5 years in the other).
Some general findings describe
the couples. They were husbands and wives who reported relatively high levels
of marital satisfaction and sexual frequency. Wives and husbands scored
similarly on a measure of anxious attachment. But husbands scored higher than
wives on a measure of avoidant attachment.
What was the relationship between attachment and other factors?
Attachment anxiety was positively
linked to avoidance and neuroticism.
Attachment anxiety was inversely
linked to marital satisfaction. And those higher in attachment anxiety were
lower in the personality traits of openness, conscientiousness, extroversion
and agreeableness.
So what about infidelity?
1. Those who were high in anxious
attachment were more likely to be unfaithful in their marriage. And this is
different from previous research on dating couples where anxious attachment was
not related to infidelity.
2. Avoidant attachment was not
related to infidelity, which is also different from previous research on dating
couples. For dating couples, those high in avoidant attachment were more likely
to be unfaithful.
3. There is an important
interaction. The researchers looked at the level of anxious attachment for both
husbands and wives. It’s not just one’s own level of anxious attachment that is
linked to infidelity. The risk of infidelity is high if either partner is high
in infidelity.
Commitment is one of the important distinctions the authors mention
as a likely candidate for why their findings about anxious and avoidant
attachment are different for married couples compared to dating couples.
THOUGHTS
Relationships are complex.
Several factors are in the mix for a happy and long-lasting relationship. Faith,
commitment, personality traits, communication styles, values, sexual
satisfaction, and a secure and loving relationship are factors contributing to
a happy and long-lasting marriage.
Sharing the same religious faith is
important. Christians highly value marriage but many of those relationships
include infidelity. And many Christian marriages end in divorce. But faith can
be a factor reducing divorce risk (Wright, Zozula, & Wilcox, 2012). I
wonder if Christians are too complacent?
Understanding our own
relationship-based insecurities is not enough. We must also be mindful of our
partner’s sense of security.
Predicting the quality of marital
relationships from dating relationships or cohabiting relationships has risks.
Married couples are more highly committed to their relationship. Commitment is
vital.
Counselors and psychotherapists
would do well to carefully assess commitment and attachment along with other
factors when relationship issues are the focus. And the differences between
dating couples and married couples deserves attention.
OTHER POSTS TO CONSIDER
SOURCES
Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N.
(1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide
from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Russell, V.M., Baker, L.R., &
McNulty, J.K. (2013). Attachment insecurity and infidelity in marriage: Do
studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? Journal of Family Psychology, 27,
242-251. doi: 10.1037/a0032118
Wright, Bradley R. E., Christina
Zozula, and W. Bradford Wilcox. (2012). Bad News about the Good News: The
Construction of the Christian-Failure Narrative. Journal of Religion & Society 14, 1-19.
I'm having an affair with a wonderful woman who has been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 40 years, she is basically a servant to a powerful rich attorney. She is 71 and I am 75 and we have known each other for over 50 years although only reconnected two years ago. She is preparing for divorce as she finally has the courage. We are going to a psychologist to help her get over the guilt. My comment; why does every website take the approach that all affairs are wrong and should be stopped and the marriage saved? There doesn't seem to be any support for people in terrible marriages who found an escape through an affair that leads to a happy relationship. We loved each other 53 years ago, became separated after college and found each other all these years later. We couldn't be happier together. Unfortunately Donna has considerable guilt even though she has been treated more like a slave than a wife.
ReplyDeleteI'm having an affair with a wonderful woman who has been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 40 years, she is basically a servant to a powerful rich attorney. She is 71 and I am 75 and we have known each other for over 50 years although only reconnected two years ago. She is preparing for divorce as she finally has the courage. We are going to a psychologist to help her get over the guilt. My comment; why does every website take the approach that all affairs are wrong and should be stopped and the marriage saved? There doesn't seem to be any support for people in terrible marriages who found an escape through an affair that leads to a happy relationship. We loved each other 53 years ago, became separated after college and found each other all these years later. We couldn't be happier together. Unfortunately Donna has considerable guilt even though she has been treated more like a slave than a wife.
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