Forgive?
Yes. Reconcile? Maybe.
A TODAY
story by Rebecca Ruiz has a headline that
reads, “How do you forgive a killer? A
mother moves past tragedy?” A powerful photo shows Mary Johnson hugging
Oshea Israel—the man who murdered her son.
The story includes other examples of people who suffered major hurts but
found their way to forgiveness.
Last week I referred to the CNNblog about the Piers Morgan interview with Rick and Kay Warren. I wrote about attributions and coping with loss. But
there’s more. There’s a story about forgiveness. But not reconciliation.
Rick “One of the hard things was forgiving the person who
sold him the gun... Because I didn't want to forgive him.”
Kay “I don't want to
be tied to that person emotionally for the rest of my life”
FORGIVENESS
AND RELIGION
Most religions include guidance about
relationships and a part of that guidance includes the repair of damaged
relationships. In the Christian tradition, forgiveness comes from God. And
people are expected to draw upon that love-motivated forgiveness to forgive
others. Indeed, Christians view forgiveness as a mandate (Matthew
18: 21-22).
FORGIVENESS
IS LETTING GO
Christian and secular psychologists
have conducted numerous studies and offer guidance to the general public as
well as counselors. Forgiveness is letting go of the painful, anger-inducing memories
that motivate thoughts or even plans for revenge. Hurt people not only avoid
the people who hurt them but also avoid dealing with their painful memories. As
a consequence, a grudge state ensues and traps the unforgiving person in their
past. They are bound to the hurtful person. They are not free. The goal --help people let go of the past—let go of the
memories—the feelings, thoughts, and avoidance so they can be free to focus on
the present and the future.
Unforgiveness binds people to their offender.
FORGIVENESS
IS NOT…
Researchers like Ev
Worthington and Robert
Enright have made the point that forgiveness
is not condoning, denying, excusing, forgetting or pardoning an offender. When
researchers offer such guidance it is because they hope to straighten out
confused thinking that can become barriers to forgiveness. It is so easy to
hold on to the past and so hard to let go. We naturally demand justice. Some
think we “let a person off the hook” with forgiveness. But that’s not what
forgiveness means.
When
victims forgive, they receive release from the pain.
And
the power the offender had over them.
QUICK
FORGIVENESS MAY BITE BACK
But now I wonder if psychologists have
done too good of a job of convincing people to let go. Here’s what I mean. If
we brush off the past too quickly and move ahead, we can buy trouble. What kind
of trouble? A quick assessment that does not dig deeply to identify the hurts
can leave some ugly diseased memories that will come back the next time some
story or other trigger causes the emotional pain to flare up. Avoid the setback caused by quick and surface forgiveness. We need to take time to assess the damage in detail and be sure we
have released the anger. People need to get their "pound of flesh," says my friend, psychologist, Grant Jones. I’m not saying people have to see a psychotherapist—
people just need to be sure to get at the heart of the pain and truly let it
go. Indeed, some psychotherapy sessions get pretty intense following a major
hurt. Powerful emotions can appear when therapists help clients express deep
seated anger as if talking to the offender or writing a letter-- a letter that one
should never mail. But hurtful experiences are different and people respond in
different ways. Some people are more sensitive than others. So a major hurt for
one person may be less for another. Assessing the hurt is an individual thing.
FORGIVE
AND MAKE UP RIGHT?
The confusion over forgiveness and
reconciliation continues. Psychologists insist forgiveness happens inside a person.
Forgiveness is for our health and well-being. It frees us up. It is personal
and does not involve the person who hurt us. That works well when the offender
is dead but when the offender is part of our family or workplace then what? If
you are a religious person—do you really think your faith teaches you to just
forgive and not interact with that person ever again? I admit that it makes
good sense to work on forgiveness—letting go of that horrid set of thoughts and
feelings that are disturbing. But a lot of people believe forgiveness means you
have to interact with the offender—at least tell the person you forgave them. I
think this is a big part of the problem for a lot of people. The problem is the
confusion over forgiving and reconciling.
FORGIVENESS
MEANS RECONCILING—to some
In 2000, a researcher, Jason Kanz,
reported that most of his college student sample thought forgiveness included
reconciliation.
I have some more data. I admit it isn’t
much but two graduate students, Jaimée Allman and Jennifer Krause helped me get some answers.
One of the questions we asked two groups of people was:
“I think true
forgiveness means you also reconcile with the person who offended you.”
We
asked people to indicate their agreement or disagreement. And here are the
numbers. In one sample (Christian university),72.2% agreed with the statement.
In the other sample (community college), 81.9% agreed.
So, in the minds of a lot of people
forgiveness is bound up with reconciliation. My take is it will be hard for
people to forgive abusers and murderers if they believe they must also
reconcile with the offender. And when many people write about forgiveness, they
often report on acts of reconciliation and do not separate the acts of
forgiveness and reconciliation.
LIFE
AND DEATH
Reconciliation can be a matter of life
and death. Forgiving an abusive person is a good idea. Let go of the past and
move on. But reconciling with a person who has not changed and will likely
continue on a path of violence is dangerous. This is the common sense behind
the idea of separating the two concepts of forgiveness and reconciliation. Let
go of the hurt. But assess the risk of harm before reconciling with an
offender. Sometimes we need someone else to help us be objective.
VICTIMS
OF LOVE
So most scholars agree, Christians are
expected to forgive others—even multiple times. There is no similar mandate to
reconcile. But I suspect the common belief many hold that forgiveness entails reconciliation
has to do with the
command to love others. Love motivates
forgiveness. Love of others motivates a movement toward others. Love leads to
reconciliation. Now love can bind people to others in a faith community for the
good of all. I get that. In communities where’s there’s good faith and plenty
of trust, it is a good idea to forgive inwardly and look at the offender in a
new way. But wisdom surely sets boundaries. Those who seek to abuse and destroy
others cannot be in the same community as long as they remain bent on
destruction. It seems so obvious—until you see people working to love and
forgive and being re-victimized by those who prey upon the vulnerable. So I
write,
Forgive? Yes! Reconcile? Maybe.
Mary
Johnson hugging Oshea Israel, beautiful.
But not all stories end that way.
Two recommendations:
[Disclosure: Ev Worthington is a friend. I do not know Robert Enright. I do not receive funds for these recommendations.]
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Sources
Kanz, J. E. (2000). How do people conceptualize and use forgiveness? The forgiveness attitudes questionnaire. Counseling & Values, 44, 174-189.Sutton, G. W. (2010). The Psychology of Forgiveness, Reconciliation, and Restoration: Integrating Traditional and Pentecostal Theological Perspectives with Psychology. In M. Mittelstadt & G. W. Sutton (eds). Forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration: Multidisciplinary studies from a Pentecostal perspective. Eugene, OR: Pickwick Publications. http://wipfandstock.com/pickwick_publications
Sutton, G. W. & Mittelstadt, M. W. (2012). Loving God and loving others: Learning about love from psychological science and Pentecostal perspectives. Journal of Christianity and Psychology, 31, 157-166.
Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and application. New York, NY: Routledge.
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