👉WARNING: SENSITIVE CONTENT
"I have cried every single day since Matthew died…"
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| Rick Warren story in Premier Christianity, 2016 |
September 17, 2013. In an emotional interview with Piers Morgan, Pastor Rick Warren and his wife, Kay responded to questions about their son’s suicide in April 2013.
This post includes information on how this well known Christian leader and his wife coped with their son's suicide.
Because
he is a well-known Evangelical Pastor, I expect Rick Warren to turn to God for
support. But I also expect him to be real. To show his emotions. To be one of
us. And he was. And so was Kay. And it was clear that Kay and Rick supported
each other.
In my previous post I wrote about attributions. Ironically, I referred to people with a purpose having no clue the author of The Purpose Driven Life would offer a powerful story a week later. And not surprisingly, I found a mix
of attributions as Rick and Kay spoke about the tragic suicide of their son. I also found
evidence of another powerful explanatory theory, coping theory. Kenneth Pargament explains coping theory so well in The
Psychology of Religion and Coping.
Attributions
“Everything
that happens in the world God allows, he permits,
because it couldn't happen
without his permission.”
Rick sets the context for causes of events. Whatever
happens, God is there. But in his view, the proximal causes are natural. “My son took his
own life. It was his choice.” Such actions are not predetermined. In this view
of human nature, people are causal agents. They have choices.
Rick Warren attributed a role in his son's death to another person. I am not providing detail here. Instead, I focus on another aspect of coping, forgiveness.
RICK WARREN: “One of the hard things was forgiving the person ... Because I didn't want to forgive him.” Forgiveness is a powerful way to cope with loss.
Coping
“I never questioned my faith in God. I questioned God's plan.”
How do
Christian beliefs help people cope? A few quotes may be helpful:
RICK WARREN: "I never questioned my faith in God. I question God's plan. There's a big difference. I know God is a good God. Nothing can shake that from my life. I know God is a loving God. " (Transcript p. 19).
KAY WARREN: What you'd do when your hope has been crashed and the only way I now how to rebuild it is to go back to my faith and to God's word and this time, I started putting verses in that give me Hope for the future like there's this amazing verse that it's 1 Corinthians 15:43... (Page 20)
Clearly, in addition to prayer and support from many,
they turned to the Bible and found encouragement in the hope of Christians for ultimate healing, the resurrection.
Control
As they retold the sequence of events leading up to the
realization that Matthew had died, Kay and Rick shared the tension and the
horrible feeling of being out of control. What more can loving parents do? Laws
protect the privacy of our mental health records and our freedom from being
held against our will. And Matthew set a boundary trap- a threat- if his
parents called the police.
Parents like Rick and Kay love their children. Yet even love
is not enough strong enough. “If love could have kept my child alive, he'd be alive
today, because he was incredibly loved.” (Page 12)
As long as
the Warrens continue to live out their faith in such a public and authentic
way, they will help so many find ways to cope with death and other life
tragedies. As well as that horrible feeling of being out of control. Resuming life following powerful losses tests the limits of so many.
Although most turn to their faith, others turn away from God. Leaders like Rick
and Kay offer models to the faithful. Models of effective coping. And ways to find a path to God’s sustenance.
Some Christians do not share the same beliefs. Other people find solace in
other religious practices and words of comfort.
Mental Illness
In this
interview, not a lot was said about mental illness. Apparently Matthew had a long history of mental illness and had sought professional help. But it wasn’t enough. Yet a timely and interesting poll by Lifeway
Research found half of American Evangelicals expressed a powerful curative
attribution for mental illness: Prayer and Bible Study alone can cure a serious
mental illness. This is a topic for another post.
GETTING HELP
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988.
Reach out to someone who is struggling.
Resources:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
https://afsp.org/
A reflection
When it
comes to dealing with tragedy, it helps to have respected leaders show the way. We don’t
expect leaders to have all the answers but we search for meaning. And a way
to lessen the severe pain of loss. It helps to know that the tears go on and on.
Causes are complex. We may never know all the answers as to why a person took their own life.
Kay referred to hope and drew upon her faith to help her cope.
It’s
comforting to think we may eventually find some purpose. Some way to redeem a lost life.
To do good in their name. And so the Warrens set up a foundation in Matthew’s name.
CNN interview clip on YouTube: https://youtu.be/unuqMTuzwsk?si=AXXoitHNjAduqXC6
Premier Christianity story, "Rick Warren: My son's suicide and God's garden of grace" https://www.premierchristianity.com/home/rick-warren-my-sons-suicide-and-gods-garden-of-grace/3736.article
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