Repeated Stories in Conversation
Recently, I looked at some photos of Christmases past as I was moving to a new computer. I smiled a lot and enjoyed the good memories. Like most people my age, a lot of family members are no longer present. Sometimes, repeating an old story at family gatherings can be a pleasant experience. We remember someone we loved and something funny about what they said or did. It’s repetition, but it’s pleasant. Context and frequency make a difference.
But you may have had the common experience of annoying repetitions. Someone you know has a habit of repeating old stories, jokes, or awkward one-liners. Sometimes they are out of context or sometimes they fit the context, but they’ve been heard so many times. And sometimes, the stories are obnoxious.
Why People Repeat Themselves:
And Some Suggestions
Why is this? There may be several reasons for repetition.
1. Reinforcement. We tend to repeat behavior that feels good. Smiles, laughter, and positive interest work to encourage repetition in many areas of life. It works for children, adults, and dogs. So, how we and other respond to a story or old joke may be a factor in ensuring it happens again. It isn’t easy to end reinforcement because any positive reaction helps strengthen the storytelling behavior. Gently shifting topics or finding a way to ask a question that leads to a different discussion may help. Read more about reinforcement.
2. Emotional Need Fulfillment. Some stories function like itches urging us to scratch. People may repeat bothersome tales because they are trying to get some relief. Professor Guy Itzchakov told the story of an interview with a girl and her mother in which the mother retold the story of her daughter’s rejection, which seemed to bother the mother more than the child who was upset with her mother. It appeared the mother’s bad feelings were behind the retelling of the bothersome story.
3. Memory Impairment. Let’s face it. Human memory is imperfect and worsens with age. We all have different abilities when it comes to memory. Some of us may recall someone’s old stories better than do others. The speaker may not recall the fact that they frequently tell the same people the same story. Perhaps, a gentle reminder will help them remember they actually told the story not long ago. However, if the problem is primarily due to impaired memory, comments will not likely help the person remember they’ve told the story before. Although a severe memory impairment is associated with dementia in the elderly, biologically based memory impairments can be present at any age. A kind response validates the person’s worth. Distraction by asking a question may help the person refocus on another topic. Questions may also redirect a person to a more current but socially relevant topic like a favorite food, song, or movie.
4. Belongingness Needs. As Maslow observed, we have a need to belong––to fit in somewhere. One way to fit in is to share common experiences or experiences that bolster our self-esteem within a group of people with similar interests. Some people repeat stories about their accomplishments and experiences that in some way seem to add value to their identity within a group. I recall being in churches as a child where a person would offer a testimony about what God had done in their lives. Some had recent stories, but others were from decades ago suggesting God no longer did anything for them. I understand from friends that those testimony events no longer occur. But, it’s not just stories of faith that get replayed. I recall a woman often retelling of a junior high school medal she won. You can probably think of others. Most of us feel the need to belong. Some of us may need guidance in finding a better way like helping out within the group or listening to someone else’s story; however, it is not easy to help someone change without hurting their self-esteem or making them feel shame. Social intelligence is a real ability that varies considerably.
5. Triggers. In the language of psychology, “triggers” are events that stimulate a behavioral response. So, if I mention a trip to France, someone may recall the time they went there 50 years ago. Knowing that possibility, I can either “trigger” that person’s story or not, depending on whether or not I mention “France.” Some people have a knack of triggering other people’s storytelling behavior by something they say, do, or wear. I recall a teenage girl mentioning a new piercing and wondering when a particular relative would sound off with a well-worn negative reaction. So, some of us may encourage or discourage certain stories when we present “triggers” during meetings. Of course, we may not always know that something said or done represents a trigger until it’s too late, but if we are aware, we’ll make the connection. And if the storyteller can learn the trigger, they may gain some self-control if they want to inhibit repeat storytelling.
6. Social Need Fulfillment. Some people repeat stories or messages because they have important needs that are not being met. Sometimes we don’t listen. Society and its groups are often changed for the better when leaders pay attention to repeated messages and create positive changes through legislation and policies. May we not become bored listening to repeated calls to address injustice. Not all repeated stories are bad.
I make no claims these suggestions will be helpful because, we are unique. We may help ourselves preparing for repeated stories before a family or friendship gathering. We may find some relief by taking a deep breath when a repeated story begins. And, we may find a kind and helpful way to help the event flow in a positive direction.
So, at this point these suggestions are hypotheses, which I hope may be helpful. Let us promote wellbeing, peace, and understanding. Let us build others up.
In some cases, a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist may be warranted.
Geoffrey W. Sutton, PhD is Emeritus Professor of Psychology. He retired from a clinical practice and was credentialed in clinical neuropsychology and psychopharmacology. His website is www.suttong.com
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