Journey to a Better Relationship
Four Things to Pack
Couples often seek counseling to improve their relationship. The general goal is something like satisfaction, which can be quite vague unless you flesh it out with some specifics. But that’s where things can get pretty negative if couples and therapists aren’t careful.
Getting to relationship satisfaction can be an arduous
and discouraging process of identifying areas where each partner is unhappy.
The usual culprits are ways of spending our money, spending enough time
together, enjoying sex, sharing responsibilities, and agreeing on parenting
strategies.
Enter Jen Ripley and Ev Worthington—two experienced
couples’ therapists from the Eastern U.S. I’m reading their recent book, Couple Therapy for a book review I’ll be
sending off in a few weeks.
My focus in this
post is on four goals they suggest for couples’ counseling. What I like
about these ideas is how they fit with trends in psychology I’ve found helpful
in the past couple of decades. More about these trends as I list the four
goals. The authors refer to the couple counseling experience as a journey so I’m
suggesting we think of these four ideas as things to pack for the journey.
FOUR RELATIONSHIP BUILDERS
1. Warmth
Relationships need warmth. The authors are referring to a
warm and loving bond between the partners. Years ago I was supervised for my
license by Clinical Psychologist Dr. Julianne Lockwood. She and her colleagues
at the University of New Mexico had studied child attachment. The goal was to
discover the nature of the attachment relationship between parent and child.
Since then many studies have focused on understanding attachment between partners
in couples, among family members, and between individuals and God. People in
relationships characterized by warm and secure attachments enjoy spending time
with each other. The journey to a better relationship includes activities that
build warmth.
2. Virtue
You might wonder what virtue has to do with couple’s
counseling. But consider how we respect people who live virtuous lives. And
notice how disappointed we are when we discover the failures of close friends.
I’m not necessarily talking about gross immorality. As the authors note, four
cardinal virtues have a long history—justice, fortitude, temperance, and
prudence. We naturally want to be around people who treat us fairly, display
inner strength, demonstrate self-control, and are wise. An important influence
on my own thinking has been the Positive Psychology movement with its emphasis
on building personal strengths. It’s true we cannot ignore our failures and
mistakes (probably why I find forgiveness so interesting) but the focus on
developing virtues offers a life-long quest to become better and concomitantly learn
to show respect toward others in our lives—including our life-partners.
3. Health
The authors are writing about relationship health. As
with any health focus, good health requires some effort to increase healthy
habits of communication, respect, and caring and cut back on those opposing
habits that can be so destructive (think Gottman’s
four horsemen). Healthy habits require a commitment to regular exercise. If
we need skills, we can find ideas in the book or from many skilled clinicians.
4. Happiness
Happiness can be elusive. But when people are in a loving
relationship they can be really happy. Sometimes you just want to sit down with
your partner or enjoy a walk. Most of us prefer to be around happy people.
Happiness is contagious and builds strong bonds. The authors include a quote
from Les Misérables:
“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that
we are loved—loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”
Victor Hugo
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Disclosure
My only “payment” is a free copy of the book; but that
came from the journal editor by way of the publisher not the authors—though
you should know, I’m friends with the authors.
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Reference
Ripley, J.S.
& Worthington, E.L. Jr. (2014). Couple
therapy: a new hope-focused approach. Downers Grove, IL: Intervasity.
*Note: This particular book integrates Hope Focused therapy with Christian spirituality. Hope-focused therapy is helpful for both secular and Christian couples.
Sutton, G. W.
& Mittelstadt, M. W. (2012). Loving God and loving others: Learning about
love from psychological science and Pentecostal perspectives. Journal of Christianity and Psychology,
31, 157-166. Academia
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