JOY ABORTED
In the next five minutes, 8 or more mothers will lose
their unborn child in the U.S. The joy of welcoming a baby into the world will
be lost. Many mothers have lost a child more than once. Christmas is a season given
to celebrations of joy and focused on gifts to children. But many families feel
a deep sense of loss. Christmas without children can mean days of sadness.
LOOK AT MY BABY!
We met at breakfast and passed around the picture of my
granddaughter before she was born. The beauty of an ultrasound photo brings joy
and confirms hope for millions of parents and grandparents. She and her sister
have been sources of great joy. Sadly, millions of parents and grandparents
will not experience this joy. In fact, many mothers and fathers suffer in
silence as they struggle with the loss of a child they may have wanted for
years. The term miscarriage sounds so
dispassionate. Miscarriage makes the loss of a pregnancy like another medical
event instead of the death of a child.
But medical technology has brought children to life in
ways never seen before. Knowing that one is pregnant with a wanted child brings
hope. Seeing a moving baby via ultrasound brings joy and confirms hope. My
child is alive and well! Modern fathers say, “we are pregnant.” They are bonded
as well. But many couples lose their child.
WHERE IS THE
CULTURE?
“We are going to have a baby!”
Announcements stream across social media.
In the U.S. women report some 4 million pregnancies each
year. Estimates vary but 15 to 20% of these unborn children will not be born.
The language for the cultural experience of pregnancy is changing to reflect a
sense that a mother is with child. And as noted above, many
fathers share the experience.
We seem to be in an extended cultural transition when it
comes to the role of children in contemporary industrialized cultures. Family
sizes have shrunken to 1-2 children. Having huge families to help with a family
business is no longer a part of industrialized societies. In fact, raising
children in western cultures is expensive—if one is to keep up with social
expectations.
Some successful children give back to their parents but
many depend on their parents late into life. More and more, children are valued
for their contribution to a sense of family—people bound together in the
journey of life with a common set of values and the potential to make the world
a better place. Of course that does not always happen, but babies offer promise
and parents and grandparents invest heavily in the next generation.
As noted above, the language surrounding having children has
changed. Advances in technology provide moving images of an unborn child. We
see recognizable bodies in motion and we hear a beating heart. We are convinced
this is a child—not a fetus or some other clinically distant term. People are
having a baby—it’s not just a pregnancy. Miscarriage and abortion is not
terminating a pregnancy—a child dies. Moreover, medical technology has advanced
in saving the lives of unborn children that would have died in decades past.
I suspect that the current trend will continue.
Increasingly, the unborn child will be viewed as a family member and expectant
parents will keenly feel the loss when a child dies.
WHERE IS THE
CHURCH?
Most religions are prolife. Some religions permit
abortion in special circumstances. In the U.S., the prolife movement has been
quite successful in their quest to protect the life of the unborn child. But
where are they when millions of unborn children die each year?
More and more churches have responded to the need to
provide homes for pregnant mothers who have been encouraged to keep their
children. But where are the churches when parents lose these unborn children?
My wife and I received cards, some calls, and a few visits when our parents
died. People who have been part of a community for a long time usually draw
large crowds when they experience the loss of a loved one. The loss of a child
is a huge tragedy. And the support is usually generous as well.
So where are the churches when an unborn child dies?
After all, haven’t conservative churches been actively
preaching that the unborn are children?
Don’t these parents feel the loss?
Don’t these parents grieve?
Don’t these parents need to mourn?
Why are there no funerals or memorial services?
Where are the graves?
Where are the markers?
Why the disconnect in caring for families when people die
at different ages?
Does caring for a child in the womb count as being a
parent?
Must your child be alive to still be considered a parent?
HOW TO HELP
Fortunately, parents are opening up about their losses
and receiving care from family, friends, and healthcare professionals.
1. Some parents seem to benefit from support groups.
2. Some parents benefit from naming the unborn child and
holding a memorial service.
3. Some parents benefit from cultural practices honoring the
death of any family member—planting a tree, donating to charity, giving cards
and memory gifts.
4. Some light candles and honor their loss in the U.S. on
October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
5. Churches who believe that the unborn are children can
demonstrate this belief in the way they support any member who grieves a loss.
And they may need to rethink how they honor parents on mother’s and father’s day.
6. Church members already help grieving families. An
awareness that parents of unborn children also grieve can motivate congregants
to include them in their circle of help.
7. Churches can be places where parents who lost their bundle of joy can find a measure of joy in caring for others.
There are many ways to bring joy to those who grieve.
And on a personal note, we too lost an unborn child. It
was a time when mothers and fathers kept such events quiet. Times are changing
for the better.
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| Restore the Joy |
References and Resources
A recent article in TIME
magazine. Someone I Loved Was Never
Born
A related TIME article
about miscarriage.
Day
of Prayer for the protection of unborn children
Orthodox Church in America on October:
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
African American Faith resources
for bereavement
How one couple dealt with shocking news about their
unborn child. ABC
news
One mother's story ABC Good Morning America
Article for clinicians on complicated grief following loss of an unborn child NCBI
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